The worst thing about marriage is that it will not fix your relationship — and that is also what makes it so wonderful.
Prior to meeting my husband, two of my exes asked for my hand in marriage. Once when I wanted to break up, and another when I was hired into a new job. Both relationships lasted for three years.
Even though I knew them for a few years, I never wanted to marry any of them. In fact, when they popped the question, I got annoyed. Instead, I married someone I knew for less than a year.
Marriage will not fix a broken relationship, the same way having a child will not fix a broken marriage. It is not a pill that you can take to make your problems go away.
If you are in a toxic relationship right now, chances are getting married only means you will be in a toxic marriage.
Marriage doesn’t fix anything.
The first guy who asked for my hand-in-marriage asked my father out for breakfast one morning without me knowing. He came to our family home afterwards and my father explained what they discussed.
My father then asked, “So what do you think?”
During this time, I was desperately trying to break up with this guy because he was bad-tempered. Things always got nasty when he was irrationally jealous or had money problems, and I was at the receiving end of it all. He never hit me, but I lost count of how many times he had cursed me.
He asked my father permission to marry me a day after I told him I wanted to break up. Is he crazy? What could possibly make him think proposing would make me change my mind about him?
We did spend the next 2 years together to try and make things work, but I never accepted his offer of marriage because I couldn’t put up with his anger problems.
His temper will not change after we get married. Nothing about us this relationships will be fixed. It will not undo the years of abuse I faced. It would get worse instead.
Marriage does not promise maturity.
When I got hired into a new job, my ex-boyfriend asked for my hand-in-marriage. His reason?
“You’re doing pretty well in your job and you might meet people who are better than me. So I want to marry you so you won’t leave me for another man.”
This particular ex-boyfriend always felt inferior to my achievements and instead of making himself better (which I’ve tried to help him with), he wishes to drag me down to his level instead.
However, I did consider marriage with him a few times but I always changed my mind when I realised the only time he would actually do something to improve his life is when we broke up. And we broke up a lot.
I especially decided not to marry him when I found out that he liked to snoop through my personal messages and log-in to my social media accounts.
He thinks I didn’t want to marry him because he has no money. I am not materialistic. I have enough money to sustain myself. His problem, among other things, was complacency.
Marriage will not fix our toxic relationship. I would just end up being trapped trying to reassure a man-baby.
I would be lying if I said that I did not love my ex-boyfriends though. At one point in time, I did. I stayed with them for years in hopes that things will change and that they will end up being the one.
By the time the flame died, their cons outweighed their pros. I knew I could not spend the rest of my life with them. It’s not that they were bad people. They were just so incompatible with me that there is no sight of a happy future at all.
The marriage will be exactly like the course of those relationships — except instead of three years, it will now last a lifetime.
If you weren’t compatible before marriage, there is no reason to think that marriage would fix that. In fact, with more responsibilities, I believe that marriage could even make it worse.
Marriage doesn’t fix anything — and that’s why it’s great.
I hope I didn’t scare you into thinking that marriage is horrible. It isn’t. Marriage not fixing anything may be one of the worst things about it, but it is also what makes it so wonderful.
When you marry someone who is also your best friend, they remain as your best friend. Marriage will not seem like another responsibility to carry but an adventure that you will embark on with a partner.
When you marry someone you can trust, they remain as your confidant(e). You don’t feel tied down by marriage, but instead, you feel freer knowing you can start your life together.
Marriage is not the glue that you use to repair your relationship. It supposed to be the supplement that enhances it.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been told a few times that marriage might make things better. Let me tell you: It doesn’t. A part of me always knew, which was why I never went through with it.
It doesn’t matter if you think you haven’t found the right person to marry. It’s always better to marry late than to marry wrong.
This article was originally published on Writers’ Blokke.